Loneliness and Mattering
There are a lot of lonely people out there. And people who want, and need to, matter.
An off schedule post
This is an off-schedule post. That means something different or interesting is going on that warrants paying attention to. So, my friends, read on to find out more!
Introduction
Humans are social creatures. Not just because we desire it, but because it’s vital to our survival (Note 1). As such, we need to be socially connected with others. Why then, are many of us lonely and why is loneliness a societal problem today?
We also have a need to matter. I’m not talking about the scientific term for matter, but the human term. That is defined as to be of importance, to have significance (Note 2).
Today, we are going to break each of these issues down and as we do, we’ll talk about the cost of loneliness and the need to matter and then summarize with what we can do about it. These are tough issues, without a doubt.
Loneliness
I grew up in a fast-paced world in the Washington, DC, suburbs. In Northern Virginia, South of Alexandria to be exact. Our neighbors were a combination of working-class families and Washington DC insiders. We lived “Inside the Beltway,” a term I never really understood until I moved away. Heck, I remember when the beltway was finished in 1964. I was only six, but I remember the hoopla surrounding it. The Capital Beltway, Interstate 495, was started in 1955 and completed in 1964. This 64-mile highway was constructed to ease traffic issues. Well, the highway became so popular that it quickly became known for congestion, especially when crossing the Woodrow Wilson Bridge over the Potomac River from Virginia to Maryland. And if they lifted the drawbridge? As the New Yorkers say, fa-get-about-it. Have you been on this road in recent years? Even after the big 15-year expansion from 2000 to 2015 that cost $2.4 billion, it’s still one wreck away from a shutdown.
The term “inside the beltway” has a special meaning and even has its own Wikipedia page. What it essentially means is a way to characterize federal government insiders, contractors, lobbyists, and media personnel, as opposed to the general public (Note 3). If you don’t know, being from “inside the beltway” roughly corresponds to “the swamp.”
I enlisted in the Air Force and moved away from the Washington, DC area in 1979, and have lived a very busy life ever since. Now that I am retired, er, don’t go to work every day, I’m still busy, and being lonely is not something I experience. However, it has been something I’ve come to better understand as a societal issue since about 2000, when I first learned of, purchased, and read a book called Bowling Alone, The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam (Note 4).
In my own family, I observed loneliness with both of my grandmothers and my mother. My Italian grandmother on my father’s side, my Nonna, was widowed while still relatively young when her husband became afflicted with black lung and passed away. My grandmother on my mother’s side continued to live for almost 20 years after my grandfather passed away at about 66 years old. When my mother passed away, about 6 years after my father, she appeared for all intents and purposes to be generally healthy. I’m convinced she was just lonely and was tired of it. She resisted moving into a retirement community, but she still had a small network of friends and family. Still, every day was one of going to bed and waking up alone and spending most of the day alone. I see the appeal of pets in cases like this.
Mr. Putnam’s book was one of the first to document the problem of the decline of American social capital, the network of relationships and trust that binds communities. He uses the metaphor of the decline of bowling leagues to make his point. Throughout this data-heavy book, the author describes how Americans have increasingly become disconnected from civic and social life.
This book is now 26 years old, and the data since then has only gotten worse. In 2023, the Surgeon General published a report entitled Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation (Note 5). The report contains a chart titled “National Trends for Social Connections.” From 2003 to 2020, time spent alone increased, while time spent on in-person social engagement decreased. The charts show how the situation has worsened across six categories. The charts measure these six categories in hours and minutes per month (+ means there is more of, - means less of):
Social isolation increased (+24 hours per month)
Household Family Social Engagement decreased (-5 hours per month)
Companionship decreased (-14 hours per month)
Social Engagement with Friends decreased (-20 hours per month)
Non-Household Family Social Engagement decreased (-6.5 hours per month)
Social Engagement with Others decreased (-10 hours a month)
Yikes! Least you think this number is just retired folks, think again. Societal trends, including demographic changes such as age, marital/partnership status, and household size, all play into the numbers. For example, single-family households have increased from 13% in 1960 to 29% in 2022. More people are choosing to remain single or unmarried, and people are having smaller families (Note 5).
For example, Mr. Putnam, in 2000, citing research likely developed in the 1990s, notes a decrease in social structures such as bowling leagues, PTA (Parent-Teacher Associations), churches, recreation clubs, and political parties. If you are “older,” you probably remember being part of these organizations or know people who were. This was, really, what was referred to as Americana, the traditional symbols such as diners, apple pie, and folk music that made America what it was and is. Many of these artifacts have since disappeared.
In both references, the Surgeon General report and Mr. Putnam’s book, they note the relationship between social bonds, social isolation, and loneliness, and other negative results, such as loss of income (getting married has a net effect of quadrupling your income. Yes, you read that right). Attending a club has a net effect of doubling your income. Communities with less social capital suffer lower educational outcomes, increased teen pregnancy, child suicide, low birth weight, and prenatal mortality. Further, increases in crime and other quality-of-life indicators.
What about personal health? Yes, negative trends here as well regarding cardiovascular disease, hypertension, diabetes, infectious diseases, cognitive function, depression, anxiety, suicide, and self-harm.
None of this data is trending in the right direction, and from what I can tell, while the Surgeon General’s report touches on the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, neither source addresses issues related to technology and social media. However, the National Institute of Health, National Library of Medicine has a report entitled Social Media and Mental Health: Benefits, Risks and Opportunities for Research and Practice (Note 6). There is also an interesting document, “Social Media and Mental Health: Are You Addicted to Social Media” (Note 7), that sheds light on the subject.
How about you? What do you think about loneliness and decreasing social connections?
The need to matter
I was prompted to write this post by a January 16, 2026, Wall Street Journal article titled “The Retirement Crisis No One Warns You About: Mattering.” That article is adapted from a book by Jennifer Breheny Wallace, titled Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose (Note 8), which was published in January 2026. The need to matter, to be important, and to have significance (Note 2) is an increasing concern, especially among retirees. I think we can all relate to folks who are older, perhaps have lost a spouse of many years, and also find many friends and family members passing away. I absolutely get it; I experienced it with my parents and am experiencing it again with in-laws, some friends, and acquaintances.
It’s a real issue. I might opine (that means this is only my opinion and not necessarily fact) that the sense of not mattering may be more acute among older people who led full and active lives, only to retire and find that all the things they perhaps enjoyed, but also overwhelmed them, were suddenly gone. I will comment on this from my own experience in the “Solutions?” paragraph below.
While I have not read Jennifer Wallace’s book, I did read the WSJ article with great interest. At 67, while I don’t seem to have time to be lonely or fear mattering, I do see where it could be a problem later in life.
Is loneliness and mattering not just reserved for older folks?
I’m guessing that discussing loneliness and the need to matter regarding older adults is something we can all understand. But what piqued my interest is that I believe loneliness and the need to matter are increasingly common among younger people, and that this is a more recent issue. So, of course, you know me, I had to dig into it. And here’s what I found out:
Many life transitions, often associated with retirement and widowhood, are common to younger folks due to issues such as divorce and empty nesting.
Another transition is moving. There are a couple of aspects to this, both of which I’ve experienced. Whether retiring to Florida or moving for work (I’ve moved to four different cities and states for work and moved four times locally) is another transition. Moving causes one to lose friends and things that were familiar, such as organizations we were part of (church, schools, children’s organizations, work, etc.), healthcare networks, stores we are familiar with and shop at, and other such things. All of these things ideally are rebuilt in the new locations, but that takes time and assumes one even chooses to do this. Sometimes, these things just stop.
Technology, such as almost unlimited media offerings on television and computers, while helping to pass the time, does nothing to nurture our social needs.
Mental and physical challenges can leave people feeling isolated. These include such issues as depression, long-term disabilities, and even hearing loss.
Alcohol and drug abuse
Being part of a marginalized group such as LGBTQ.
Being a caregiver. This is not a paid caregiver, but rather others, such as family members, who are required to manage their own spouses and children, as well as care for parents and the like.
Psychological issues such as low self-esteem or being an introvert.
Social and environmental issues, such as living in a rural area or a lack of transportation.
Economic issues such as low income, unemployment, and work schedule.
Look, we could write a PhD thesis on this issue, but that’s not my point. My point is that, in our modern society, we have to recognize that just living as many do today can, if we are not intentional, leave us lonely or make us feel like we don’t matter.
In my own life and from what I’ve read, there are a few things we can do, regardless of our age, to address loneliness and the feeling that we don’t matter.
If we want to retire and move somewhere, it’s better not to sell the house and move, but rather to try it out first. As in rent for a year.
If we want friends, we have to be a friend. That means we can’t wait for the phone to ring, but sometimes we need to pick it up and call someone else.
Best to retire to something and not from something. Think about this one for a minute; this one is big.
There are almost unlimited opportunities to volunteer. Somewhere. I always thought I would want to consult, but that opportunity only presented itself once. Or perhaps I really did not want to enough. I was, after all, a bit tired of all the business travel and being in hotel rooms by myself…
Solutions?
I’m not a medical doctor, psychologist or anyone who knows anything about these afflictions. But I do have some life experience and common sense, and there are a few things that jump out at me I’d like to mention. Perhaps they will get you thinking, and maybe, just maybe, they may cause you to act:
With regard to the lack of mattering in retirement, I have two comments, both from my own experience. We must retire to something, rather than from something. Retiring because you hate your job will not provide you with the satisfaction you desire. In a related vein, retirement requires planning, preparation, and practice. Which, not surprisingly, is why I developed Afterburner Success Partners so these issues can be addressed well in advance for those of you who are interested.
Expecting to retire and get involved in something, the issues discussed in the WSJ article and the book (Note 8) are a result of not taking the steps mentioned above. Many people have expectations about a lot of things, and they don’t often work out that way. Which is why we test them before retirement and make them part of our retirement plan. The other point about this is to have varied interests. So many people live to work, and when work is finished, they have nothing to do. Best to figure this out before retirement. In the same manner, packing up and moving when one retires could be a formula for unhappiness.
On having friends. There’s an old saying here: If you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend. What this means is we each need to take responsibility for friendships and social engagements. How many people do you know who say, “Call me, we’ll have lunch,” and then it never happens? On the other hand, how many people do we call and say, “I’d love to buy you lunch sometime, when will work for you?” Just nailing that date down and putting it on your calendar gets the ball rolling. It could be “How about we go for a walk, play cards, etc.?” For me, I have a subscription to a magazine called Tulsa People. It’s a great magazine of things going on around town. There is so much happening that I could never do them all. Get the idea?
Do you have any relationships that need to be mended? I’m always an advocate for moving past old hurts and issues like this. Why take that to the grave with you? You may find out the other party wants to reconcile as well.
Social media and other electronic devices? Probably enough said. How much is enough, and how much is too much? I don’t know, but I’m guessing that if it is preventing socializing with others, it probably is too much.
Church. I’ve been part of two different churches in the past 38 years. Both have so many opportunities to get involved that a reasonable person could not do everything. This raises the question: if their church does not have a lot going on, could one start things, or perhaps there is a need to change…
I could rant on and on with my uneducated, but somewhat experienced opinions. Suffice it to say that if a person is lonely or feels they don’t matter, I might suggest they reflect on their current lifestyle and consider whether changes are needed.
Note: I realize that there are valid reasons why folks cannot get involved, such as medical or other health issues. I’m not talking about these, but about people who are otherwise healthy.
Summary
OK, this issue of loneliness and the need to matter are big, important topics. What are your thoughts on it? Did I hit the mark, or do you think I am off base?
That’s all for today!
No one wants to be lonely. We all need to matter
Afterburner Success Partners
What’s in it for Me
No one cares more about me then me. Reflect if you are affected by the issues I described in today’s post and ask if there is action that needs to be taken.
Call to Action
Honestly consider if you need to make some changes. Or, perhaps you must want to learn a few things. Purchase any of the books noted below. Take the Afterburner Success Partners course. Tell a friend. In particular, if you are still working and not retired, there is runway ahead of you to consider these issues in advance.
Recommended Resources
Buy and read any of the books mentioned in the notes below.
Up Next
Back to regular posting schedule.
Notes
Please note that as an Amazon Affiliate, I may earn a small commission on the sale of any of these recommended resources.
The Evolution of Social Connection as a Basic Human Need, thesocialcreatures.org: https://www.thesocialcreatures.org/thecreaturetimes/evolution-of-social-connection
Definition of Matter, Oxford Dictionary.
Inside the Beltway, Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inside_the_Beltway
Bowling Alone, The Collapse and Revival of American Community by Robert D. Putnam: https://amzn.to/4rab8dl
Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation 2023, The US Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection: https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
Social Media and Mental Health: Benefits, Risks and Opportunities for Research and Practice, National Institute of Health, National Library of Medicine: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7785056/
Social Media and Mental Health, Are You Addicted to Social Media, helpguide.org: https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/social-media-and-mental-health
Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose by Jennifer Breheny Wallace: https://amzn.to/4sgQWav
Everyday Cooking for Everyday People Like Us, by David Giustozzi: https://amzn.to/437OhVQ
Achieve Your Dreams: A Complete Guide to Live Your Best Life by David Giustozzi: https://amzn.to/3IxEFgy