When We Have Conflict
It’s not if you have conflict, it’s when you have conflict among your goals. Then what do you do?
Introduction
Conflict and problems are just a part of normal life. We’re going to investigate this a bit. While I’m going to educate you today about people who avoid conflict and solve problems, what I really want to talk about is when we have conflict among the goals we have set for ourselves.
Conflict-Avoidant People
When we talk about relational conflict, typically, we think of married couples. There are two distinct types of conflict-avoidant people. The first type avoids conflict out of self-preservation, and the second for self-serving reasons. Click on the link in Note 1 if you would like to learn more. When I think of conflict, the first thing that comes to mind is marital conflict. Of course, there is conflict among siblings, especially among children, and if you are married and have kids, you know what I am talking about. The second conflict typically follows the first, if you know what I mean.
When we think about people outside a marital relationship, we typically use one of three terms to describe them: conflict-avoidant, non-confrontational, or peacekeeper. These people often fear tension, which leads to things like shutting down, agreeing to things they do not want, or simply fleeing (as in fight-or-flight). This can lead to bottled-up emotions. As we know, a person can only hold emotions such as frustration and anger in for so long before they have to come out. Sometimes this becomes visible as a health issue or other unhealthy manner, such as violence. We all should have some type of relief valve for bottled-up emotions. When I was in my 20s, I used to take long rides on my motorcycle in the country, and that would help. When I became a homeowner, I loved chopping firewood or doing physical work, such as yard work. If you have these issues, please find a healthy way to vent them.
Other terms used to describe this behavior include:
Passive/passive-aggressive: A person who avoids direct conflict but may express feelings indirectly (we all know these people, don’t we?)
Accommodating/Pushover: Someone who tolls over and gives in to keep the peace.
Conflict-Phobic: A person with an extreme, almost irrational fear of disagreement.
People-Pleaser: Someone who prioritizes others’ feelings over their own.
Stonewaller: A person who clams up and refuses to communicate during a disagreement.
Problem Solving
If you are a leader in an organization, or even a parent, you already know that people problems are the most difficult to deal with. Many people do not want to accept a leadership position because they don’t want to deal with people’s problems. Dealing effectively with people often requires specialized training in psychology, human behavior, conflict resolution, de-escalation techniques, and the like. I chose not to go into retail when I was young because of the problems I would have dealing with customers. Even though I was a part-time employee, I had my fill of dealing with what I thought were silly issues. I took a few college-level psychology courses, and I found them helpful throughout my career. Toward the end of my career, I began to get into understanding human behavior, which is why people do what they do, and it’s an absolutely fascinating field of study to me.
Then there is technical problem solving, which I really enjoy. As a guy with mechanical aptitude, I just love solving problems with mechanical things like airplanes, cars, and home repair items. There is a unique sense of self-satisfaction in solving a problem and making things better. The icing on the cake is when I’m able to solve a problem myself and don't have to call someone else, like a home repair professional. I really enjoy saving the money! Click on the link in Note 2 for a good article on problem solving from the American Society for Quality.
Conflict resolution in goal setting
All that discussion about dealing with people and technical matters is quite interesting, but what I really want to talk to you about today, since we are discussing lifetime goal conflict, is what to do when we have multiple goals that are not complementary, that is, we can’t do them both. Or should I say it appears to us that we can’t do both. This is one of those things where the process is simple, but deciding is a little bit more difficult. Like trying to lose weight, and someone puts a wonderful dessert in front of you!
If you are like most people, you have many things you want to do in life. Especially if you are reading this blog, taken the course, or read the book. Because we’ve been working on combining our financial, professional, and personal goals together into a lifetime goals document, conflict is becoming visible. Now we must decide how to handle it.
The simple answer is to break out your priority matrix again, consider all you want to do and what your limiting factors are, such as time or money, and reprioritize them. Sounds simple, doesn’t it?
And the process is very simple, but from a human aspect, we may be forced to make a choice. If we are in our early 20s, we have a long runway in front of us and can, within limits, pretty much do what we want by developing a plan to get there. If we are older, say in our early 50s and we want to retire early, but we have not saved appropriately over the years, we are in a job that does not pay well, and advancement is limited, then we have some difficult choices to make. It’s not that we may not be able to get there; the question is whether the work required may be more than we want to do. Yes, sometimes we must make difficult choices.
Sometimes we need some help
Throughout the course, my book and these blogs, I mention that sometimes we need to recognize that we need professional help. Or, as my brother likes to say, “A man needs to know his limits.” While I am happy that I am mechanically inclined, I also realize that there are times when I should hire a professional to do the job because either I don’t know enough or I could get hurt.
And it’s that way with our goals when we realize we can’t do all the things we want to. I never advocate giving up, but I would say we should explore all possibilities, and some of those possibilities may be beyond our current knowledge. If we are struggling with financial issues, hiring a financial advisor or accountant may be a good choice. If we are having problems in our careers, our mentor is a great place to turn. Personal goals can be discussed with our spouse or a trusted friend.
One of the services I offer at Afterburner Success Partners is counseling on this very topic, so if that is something you think you would like to engage in, just email me.
Let me say a final word on this before we summarize for today. If you own a home or a car, having insurance is important to protect you should something bad happen. If you don’t know anything about options or futures, it’s probably not wise to invest in them. If you dislike people, don’t take a manager job because you will be unhappy and not do a good job. If you don’t know how to snow ski, you probably don’t want to go down the Black Diamond slope.
What I’m saying here is that if you have goals you want to obtain in life and if you are stuck and can’t figure out a path, don’t simply give up. That would be so sad, but the fact is that people do it every day and settle for a less fulfilling life than they could have had. Just like you would learn about various investments before you risk you hard earned dollars, it pays to seek help from a professional before you give up.
Summary
Conflict is a part of life, and the people who can resolve conflicts and solve problems are well paid and in constant demand. You likely have conflict with getting all your lifetime goals in order. See if there is a way to resolve that conflict, perhaps by asking for help from others and in ways you never considered, before you give up and suffer that horrible word later in life: Regret.
And remember: Many books and many people tell you to set goals, but few drive you to such detail as we do at Afterburner Success Partners. That’s what sets us apart from most others offering advice to help you improve your life. And I know for a fact it works because I am living proof.
That’s all for this week!
When We Have Conflict
Afterburner Success Partners
http://absuccesspartners.com/
What’s in it for me?
If you want to get ahead in life, if you want to achieve your dreams and live your best life, you must take meaningful, deliberate action that follows a proven path. Getting ahead is about learning what to do and then doing it over time.
Call to Action
Just. Do. Something. Make a decision on what you want or need to do, define the path, and get after it. Do it today.
Recommended Resources
See notes below for either of my books.
Up Next
When things go wrong.
Notes
Please note that as an Amazon Affiliate, I may earn a small commission on the sale of any of these recommended resources.
The Conflict Avoidant: Two Distinct Types, Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202209/the-conflict-avoidant-two-distinct-types
Problem Solving, American Society for Quality: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202209/the-conflict-avoidant-two-distinct-types
Achieve Your Dreams: A Complete Guide to Live Your Best Life, by David Giustozzi: https://amzn.to/3IxEFgy
Everyday Cooking for Everyday People Like Us, by David Giustozzi: https://amzn.to/437OhVQ