You Can't Change a Person's Mind. You Can't Win an Argument
Have you ever gotten into a disagreement with a person because you did not agree with them and tried to convince them they were wrong? Didn’t work out so well, did it?
An off schedule post
This is an off-schedule post. That means something different or interesting is going on that warrants paying attention to. So, my friends, read on to find out more!
Introduction
Today’s post is going to be short and sweet, because, you know, what’s the use? People typically just don’t change their minds, so what’s the use of talking about it? What I do hope to do, however, is educate you in case you don’t know this fact.
Why can’t I change someone’s mind?
Oh my gosh, the time, effort, and frustration people experience trying to convince someone they were wrong and need to change their mind to their own position. I must tell you that it took me over 60 years to figure this out. Yes, for almost all my life, I've tried to change others’ minds because, you know, I was right. And, you know, whether I was right or not really didn't ’t make a difference because, typically, once a person has made up their mind, they are not going to relent and change positions, no matter how much of an argument you put up.
A big reason is that it’s psychological, not simply stubbornness. It’s how humans work. Let’s look at some of the reasons you can’t change someone’s mind:
They want to remain consistent. Once they have stated a position, changing feels like admitting error or losing credibility. Let me expand on this one a bit. Besides taking over 60 years to realize I can’t change someone’s mind, I’ve also committed to admitting when I’m wrong. Yes! It’s sometimes hard, but it gives me an amazing sense of freedom. I think the reason is twofold. I’m far more mature than when I was a young buck, a Type A male, and secondly, I no longer feel the need to be right or prove myself because I’m simply comfortable in my own skin and my station in life. Think about that for a moment and see if, just perhaps, that may be an opportunity for you.
A person feels challenged, perhaps threatened. When this happens, people naturally go on the defensive.
People have confirmation bias; that is, their current position supports what they already believe. In other words, they filter new information through an existing position on the matter.
Sometimes people become more entrenched in their current position because of what is known as the backfire effect. They become defensive and see the new view as a threat.
Pride. Yes, to me, this is simply the biggest reason, and people will suffer greatly, even to their own detriment or even demise, because they are too proud to admit it. The Bible even addresses this issue. “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” (Proverbs 16:18). Further, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5).
Their truth does not match my truth. Now, I realize this position is becoming increasingly common, but I still find it difficult. Truth is truth, as far as I’m concerned. Then again, what someone hears or sees could be interpreted differently than I do. Here’s an example. As part of my formal education in aviation, I took at least two classes in aircraft accident investigation. When interviewing accident witnesses, it’s sometimes best to hear from someone who knows nothing about the technical aspects of the situation. The reason is that they have no preconceived notion of what may have happened, or they may have no inherent bias and tell you what they think happened, whether it actually happened like that or not. Interesting, huh?
Sometime in the past couple of years, I concluded that no matter how much I absolutely knew I was right, I was not going to change another’s position, so I simply stopped trying because I realized the issue often was no longer about the information, but rather about their own identity, emotion (often pride), and a desire to be consistent with past positions.
Yes, I became tired of the frustration and anger. When I made a statement I knew was true, or someone said something to me that wasn't true or needed clarification, I simply said, “OK.” Or perhaps I might say, “Really? Is that so?” and then let it go. I can’t tell you how much better it felt to let it go and forget it. I’m guessing it helped my blood pressure, too.
Why can’t I win an argument?
In the same way, I’ve learned not to argue because it’s mostly no use. Again, I’ll simply say, “OK,” or agree and move on. My blood pressure stays the same, and I don’t become frustrated or angry. What does it matter, really, in the big scheme of things? Because, and here is a big point: the truth will become evident at some point and will have to be dealt with. Think about that for a minute. If you tell someone that there is a 100% chance of rain tomorrow, and they say, “That’s not what I heard,” what is the consequence? If you are right, they will get wet. If the forecast was wrong, then so what?
The reasons we can’t win an argument are like why you can’t change a person’s mind. Let’s see what they are:
People are emotional, and their positions are tied to their identities, values, or even past experiences. They become defensive when their positions are challenged.
They have confirmation bias, just as above.
Their ego gets in the way. Just like pride described above, a person’s ego can often be harmful, if not in the short term, then in the long term. They just simply must be right. I’ve spent most of my career around Type A males, and I’ve seen this a lot.
They assume. Yup, another big one. Have you heard the old ditty about what happens when you assume? Yes, you make an ass of you and me. That’s right.
Breakdowns in communication. Another big one. Here’s an important point: Effective communication requires the sender and the receiver to be on the same page. Often, the receiver is so focused on making their next point that they don’t fully hear, understand, or comprehend what was said. Think of an example or two if you wish, and it may hit close to home.
Differing standards. At Afterburner Success Partners, we believe that how you think is everything. I recommend every book by Steve Siebold, and he’s made it his career to research how the rich and wealthy think differently from poor and average folks. Yes, it’s just true. People come from different places. When I was a teenager, I worked with an older guy who once told me, “If all you’ve ever had in life is bologna, you don’t know how good a steak can taste.’
I often say, kinda in jest but really in truth, that all decisions are emotional. This is never truer than in an argument. Save yourself the frustration, anger, and increased blood pressure. Just relent, walk away, or simply say, “OK.” As I mentioned, the truth will eventually come out.
Summary
If you’re under 60 and pay attention to what I’ve said in this post, you’ll learn some important lessons earlier in life than I did. In the process, you will have saved yourself a lot of grief. Ponder what I’ve shared and see if there is something you need to do to make life easier on yourself.
That’s all for today!
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You Can’t Change a Person’s Mind. You Can’t Win an Argument
Afterburner Success Partners
What’s in it for Me
The best thing you can do to live your best life is to be in control of it. That means having a realistic plan and executing it. I hope you have not experienced, and do not experience, any of the conditions I described above. In some cases, it may take professional help, but if you desire to overcome any adverse effects of these issues, you are on the road to bettering yourself.
Call to Action
What do you need to do today?
Recommended Resources
Click the links in the notes below and read them. Buy and read Achieve Your Dreams: A Complete Guide to Live Your Best Life by David Giustozzi (Note 4). Take the course, it’s a very inexpensive investment in yourself.
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Notes
Please note that as an Amazon Affiliate, I may earn a small commission on the sale of any of these recommended resources.
Achieve Your Dreams: A Complete Guide to Live Your Best Life by David Giustozzi: https://amzn.to/3IxEFgy
Everyday Cooking for Everyday People Like Us, by David Giustozzi: https://amzn.to/437OhVQ